One year ago tomorrow .... our almost 8 year old cat was struck and killed by a car while we were out.
One year ago tomorrow morning, I let Jasmine out after feeding her her usual can of Fancy Feast Tuna Feast in Gravy. That was the last time I ever saw her alive.
One year ago tomorrow, after Paige's karate class...we were coming home. It was about 5pm. Paige was napping in the backseat, as I took the right hand turn onto our street. Our house is the 2nd one on the right. Right as I took that turn...I saw her. I muttered "oh no". And felt my stomach lunge into my throat. She was laying right before our driveway, in the dirt on the side of the road. I muttered, in tears... "get up Jazzy.... No...NO NO.... Jazzy....PLEASE GET UP!"... as my car passed her lifeless body, I knew I was too late. I knew right then she was gone. I pulled the car into the driveway, and put it in park. Paige started to wake. In my frantic panic, I started cursing out the world... shouting "She's Dead! Someone KILLED Jasmine!!". My poor 3 year old was confused, and I was in tears. I swallowed my anger and tried to gather myself for her. I told her Jazzy was gone....of course she was still confused. I fumbled for my cellphone, and called Mike's work. It seemed like the phone rang forever. He answered....and I stumbled over my words as I asked him to please come home..... Jasmine was gone.
I ushered Paige in, trying my best not to let her see the lifeless body. She was full of questions and full of such innocence. "We can take her to the Doctor's Mommy...the Kitty Doctor can fix her all up!" ... "then, We can get a new kitty!" I was shaking. How? How could anyone do this? Ok...pull yourself together....you weren't there. Someone may have stopped after it happened. Who knows? You cant blame anyone...I'm sure it was an accident. We do live on a busy road. WHY? WHY did I allow her to go outside? Jasmine had spent the first 6 years of her life as an indoor cat. But an indoor cat always wanting to go outdoors. Years of dodging her at doorways as she constantly tried to escape. When we moved here.... we finally gave in...figuring an acre of land would be safe for her to roam.
But she preferred our neighbor's yard. Our neighbors across the street.
Whenever she'd cross...I'd always close my eyes and cringe. I knew it was bound to happen....she sauntered sometimes right across. I knew it could. But you are never prepared even if you think it may happen...when it truely does. Your heart is never ready to let go. I sobbed for weeks...sobbed for her loss....sobbed in anger at myself...sobbed for her... My mind one too many times tried to re-enact what probably happened...how lost and hurt and in pain she must have felt. I wish my mind wasn't so active sometimes.
One year ago tomorrow, Mike came home from work early. He rumaged through the basement for a box, just big enough. I covered Jazzy's body with a sheet to keep passerbys from staring at her.
Mike placed her half-chewed catnap container that she loved so much in the box with her.
One year ago tomorrow, our family of 3 buried our furry family member under the willow tree out back.
Paige picked out a rock from the front garden as a marker. We placed flowers by her for several weeks following...and still try to every so often...or at least say "hi jazzy" when we're out back. Paige still says "good morning Jazzy" from the office window most mornings.
Gone but not forgotten.
Jasmine's passing taught me to appreciate things while we are here. We had a rough last few months with her....she wanted to be outside more and more....and would make our lives hell if we didnt let her out. This caused some irritation between us. She sort of blended into the background over time ....as pets sometimes do after children are born. I feel guilt over this.
I didn't realize how much I appreciated and missed having her around until she was gone.
Love while you can love.
Continue to Rest in Peace, Jasmine. We still love you.
2 comments:
So sweet Vicki! I have some of the same regrets as you. I wish that I would have let Toby lick my face like he loved to do. But, boy did it stink! I even used to say to myself to let him that it could be the last. And just that thing happened the night before he went missing. Your post brings back all those memories for me. I feel so guilty that he was no longer the #1 priority in my life. He got pushed aside after Reese came along. Know you aren't alone in your hurt. Toby's 1 year is coming up in January. I had him for almost 17 years...
I'm sorry your heart still aches for him too....but it does help to know that others feel those same the guilt emotion and feelings. So much was realized in hindsight, that I wish I hadnt done, or been nicer, or paid more attention. But the best we can do is know they knew we loved them so...and they loved us too!
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