Ever feel alone?
Imagine feeling it 90% of your life!!
Ive come to the conclusion that I just need a REAL friend. I dont "click" with anyone really in my family. My mom will listen....but, her and my dad generally have their own life now....and I have to find the time in their busy schedule to chat....which often is hard to find. I have no friends around here that really listen. And in turn, i SCARE OFF potential friends cause I have too much to say. On an average day.... the only set of listening ears I encounter are the ears of my 3 year old. She listens...but....she is only a 3 year old and there's only so much she can understand and really....im not going to worry my child with my issues! ....So, when I do find something to chat with....It's like I got off into a tail-spin of talking....I have SOOOO much to say.... I overwhelm people. I usually can NEVER finish my conversations..... as something comes up...they need to hang up..... or they have to go... or walk away and never come back. *sigh* Frustrating. I dont blame them.... who wants to listen to a crazy woman babble on and on and on? (Plus, people have their own lives) Its like opening up a flood gate .... my mind and mouth are closed up the majority of the time...so when someone truely asks "how are things"....the gates open and the words rush out a mile a minute.
How does this get resolved? Add in my anxiety disorder...i lack the ability to strike up conversations with new people. Its like being a 13 year old boy 24/7. I always fear rejection.....or am too paranoid that people dont like me....and I dont want to bother them. So...i am shut-down and closed up....and not by choice. Deep inside me, I am SCREAMING to come out...but the dumbass on the surface pushes her back down. I hate myself some days. There is a person I WANT to be....but dont know how to. Like most people....i get inspired now and again ...plan things out to improve my life....but ultimatly, in the end....the plan is short lived and my inspiration runs out quick.
I am home sick. Terribly home sick. I envision moving back to Southern Mass, near family....but in reality...when i look at it...i realize, even when we DID live there....i still didnt see my family too much. I have ALWAYS been the forgotten one. Overlooked (parties are often planned and people FORGET to tell me or invite me). I am quiet in large social situations (i cant hear well and get overwhelmed and frustrated often)...so tend to wander away in big family gatherings, or focus on my kid and blend out the background noise so i can hear myself think. Up until recently, I couldnt drink without puking 5 hours later (i CAN now! Woo! Turns out, my thyroid/metabolism issue had everything to do with it!!). With that said.... Moving back really wont be the big benefit it looks like on the surface...with the exception of having babysitters we can trust nearby. Well, it would be nice to be able to have dinner with my parents and Paige on occasions..... just to be WITH other adults.... I wish Massachusetts wasnt so ridicously expensive.
Thanks for the vent.
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