Sad

My heart hurts today. It does from time to time....but Ive gotten good at pushing it down, seeing what I have and engulfing myself in them and everything else. But every so often... my true reality rises back up and punches me in the face. Im having that day... or week. I dont want to give up, cause well...it will be still as painful as I am now...and just as lonely... and life will be even more of a pain in the ass. So ... swallow my pride and truck on in my love life of lies. I have love. But the one I loved dosent love me anymore. Sure, he likes me...but the love is gone. Far gone. Its like this empty capsule. Ive been trying for years. YEARS. YEARS. FUCKING YEARS to rekindle it. Dates planned. Nights out. Vacations. Snuggling. All to just remind me at the end of the night that its all gone. No matter how hard I try...i get nothing in return. No snuggle back. No conversation. Silence. Nothing. My heart hurts today. I cry inside. I guess I deserve this? I am pretty bitchy. My heart hurts today.