I'll Call This One....Keynotes.

My doctor suggested I pay someone to talk to. I have nothing of importance to say. I have no rough past, nothing I care to have some "professional" "talk me through". I just.... want SOMEONE to talk to. Someone to be my REAL Friend. Someone that checks in on me from time to time. Sits and has coffee with and catches up on. I have no one like this. At all. Did I chase everyone away? A few tried, but unfortunately those few came with extra drama I cannot handle and had very little in common. Those I do want to converse and be friends with, do not back. So, here I continue to sit. Alone. With lots to say, and no one to say them to. So...hello computer...I will spew my keynotes at you. I have never been this big (other than when I was pregnant). And I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. I was forewarned by others that had a thyroidectomy....they all said they gained 20lbs post surgery. I was careful, I swore "that wont be me!", I watched what I ate, continued life the same....and watched the weight just pile on, and no amount of calorie counting and portion controlling stopped it. I hate this me. I don't want to go places and see people because I *know* they are looking at me in shock and disgust. It's ok, I am disgusted, too. I hate this body. Somewhere, I'm buried in here, crying to get out. This fat woman thing is embarrassing. I do NOT want to try your trendy diet or hot new eating lifestyle. I am not keto, caveman, grass eating, Mediterranean diet material. I did all that in my 20s with instant success, then eventually gained it all back. Pointless. On another subject.... My heart hurts for my workplace environment. People leaving left and right, and what was is not anymore. 15 years here. My, my. I miss my mom having time for me. She's been too busy for me for over 5 years now, and I miss the way things used to be. I miss when she used to call me on my birthday. I miss when she used to call randomly and check in on me. I call her or my Dad every few weeks to check in on them, and message her at least a few times a week...but they never do it in return. If I stopped calling them, would I ever hear from them again? That thought scares me to the bone. The hatred and bigotry of some of those around me and related to me also scares me. I find myself with my jaw dropped and head shaking several times a day. To summarize most of this.... I just wish someone out there cared to reach out and see what was going on. If I dont blast my news online, no one ever knows anything that goes on. I just miss voices. Fuck you, social media.